bringing me back!

Many people have told me they miss my writing so i will get better at keeping it up to date!

It all stops today!

i was thinking during my work out today how hard it must be for people to have faith in reaching their fitness goals. I even feel doubt these days and if i didn't have my past success to feed upon i might even quit. (i feel you guys, really!)

I'm just back from vacation, i went to Maine to see my mom and let me tell you she can cook! she made all my meals and i didn't have to plan, prep or think the slightest bit about what to eat. that was a nice break. (thanks mom!)

stuff shells, blueberry pie, brownies, pizza, lobster, (which isn't bad until you soak it in butter!) ha! I did eat lots of fresh veggies and organic meats. it was all wonderful and i don't regret anything but i can tell you this, as good as all that food tasted and didn't come close to the satisfaction i feel when i'm in tip-top shape. it doesn't feel as good as someone coming up to me and saying" you inspire me". So today i choose to bring me back!

I choose to eat healthy.

I choose to work out in the gym.

I choose to do my cardio at 4am

I choose to run at least 3 times a week.

I choose to be as inspiring to others as i can!

thats what it is... a choice!

i leave you with this, i found this on utube and it really Hit hard!

this is how what i truly believe...

I BELIEVE IT STARTS ONE STEP AT A TIME AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE MY DREAMS WILL TAKE ME.

I BELIEVE THE WORLD IS MY TREADMILL.

I BELIEVE MY BIGGEST INSPIRATION IS THE PERSON IN FRONT OF ME.

I BELIEVE IN SOLITUDE AND COMMUNITY.

I BELIEVE NO DECISION SHOULD EVER BE MADE WHILE RUNNING UP HILL.

I BELIEVE THAT WHEN I THINK ITS OVER, I CAN ALWAYS DIG A LITTLE DEEPER.

I BELIEVE IN REDEFINING MY IMPOSSIBLE

I BELIEVE IN MYSELF!

make it a great week!

Embarrassed!

complete failure... i told you i would be completely honest in my blog... the scale read 126.2 this morning. Yep! I'm embarrassed to share that but it is also the truth about competing and the part no one talks about. i hope anyone who thinks extreme dieting is the way to the "skinny you" reads this. I can't explain why the body does this but it is so mentally painful to go from displaying an awesome physique to 14 days later weighing more then when the diet started. People don't think i can relate to their weight issues, yo-yo dieting and loss of control when it comes to food, well i can!

I have been competing for many years and have gone through this "after effects" many times but it never gets any less embarrassing. I know my body will eventually normalize out and i'll drop about 8lbs. but not many others know this so i get comments like "you bulking up already!" or "you are really enjoying your off season." i feel like an ass.

my systems were clogged up 'till about wednesday. what i mean by that is nothing was digesting, my stomach was stretch out and hard as a rock, and it just hurt to eat. Now i haven't been eating THAT bad just trying to be normal. (lots of fruit, bowls and bowls of fruit and pasta) i was extremely sluggish, and tired. then on wednesday "swollen gut syndrome" (my name for it) was gone and i had lots of energy. Things get dangerous now, food starts to taste yummy, and you are hungry... all the time! Think of a clogged sink, the water just kind of sits in the sink maybe slowly draining leaving scum stuck to the sides. then you unclogged the sink and water just flows down the drain, usually faster then before the clog... does that make sense? alright moving on! ha!

i did do an hour cardio on monday, ran 2.5 miles on wednesday, taught spin on friday, and 1 hour of cardio this morning followed by teaching a spin class. Not like i sat around all week!

i had major cramps through out my entire body this week, hands, chest, legs, feet and i could not sleep through the night with out waking up screaming in pain. Thank goodness i live alone!

i swore up and down i was going to eat "clean" all week, but i could not resist the temptations that were in front of me. so now i'm totally beaten! fat and mentally weak....

DON'T worry my friends a new week is upon us and i will keep trying to get a grip. i will try to find that balance of healthy eating but not dieting and i'm exciting to try some new "clean" foods. I bought apple butter today, its just apples smooshed and put in a jar! tee hee but i hope to replace my sugar free jelly on my rice cakes with this apple butter so i can eat more of a "real" food. i also found a zero calorie raspberry sparkling green tea. that might help with cravings.

my egg whites are cooked for tomorrow as well as my protein pancake and now i'm on my way to put some fish in the oven. I know this week will be better!

RECAP - I CAN DO ANYTHING!

Well I'm kind of at a lost for words, what do you want to know?.... Most people ask "where did you place?" which for you guys who have followed me the last 12 weeks understand when i say "i finished!" others just stare at me...LOL! then i try to explain, its like running a marathon, it doesn't matter where i finished but the point being, I DID IT! i actually felt like i won after my photo shoot and i looked at the pictures and saw my body and how it changed, pictures are always a great way to REALLY see yourself. (good and bad)

I did not place well. nearly last i think. I'm truly and honestly content with that, because i like my body. yes, i could do things to change it and please the judges but for me its not about them, its about me and right now i feel like i can do anything... and i can do it all by myself!

I still think you have to be at least a little bit crazy to compete in such an event but i also think marathon runners are a little bit crazy too!

I have eaten all the "junk" i can handle and now will take on a bigger challenge, how to live normal but healthy life, one i think you can all relate too... finding a balance between health and enjoying life. I have made a plan and it starts tomorrow, not sure i can hold myself to it but if i can... then i just might run a marathon! i will continue to blog my weekly success's and failure's and hope you all continue to follow along because i have a feeling things are going to get exciting!

Week 12- I did it!

night before i leave!

ok just a quick check in

i was 110.4 lbs this morning.

my posing coach said i was ready and he was impressed.

cravings were bad today.

here's a picture of the "trash" i bought to bring to the hotel and eat After the show. I couldn't decided on any special but know i'll want something. the thing is that not matter what i eat it won't live up to the expectation or satisfy, so i never eat my favorite things right away. Gosh just thinking about how bad these little treats are for you...might not eat anything but the cliff bars.

got my suit fixed, it looks really good and somehow crawled over another hill. (thanks Laura Richards)

still things to do and it getting late....

week 11- even my shoes are to big!

weight

5/8- 124.8

5/15- 120.2

5/22- 120.2

5/29- 121

6/5- 116.8

6/12- 117

6/19- 117.6

6/26- 115

7/3- 113

7/10- 112

7/17- 110.8

7/24- 114

even my shoes are too big! that being said...I almost lost it last night after a nightmare of a week. If there would have been anything in my cupboards, freezer, fridge i would have eaten it, anything. well i did eat whatever i could find!

The week started out fantastic, i felt wonderful after my photo shoot. i knew my weight was to low last weekend and planned a cheat meal after my photo shoot. i went to Noodles and Company and got some Mac and Cheese with extra cheese sauce, chicken, tomatoes and mushrooms. A huge rice crispy treat for dessert! Yup! its true! AND while i was waiting for my food i ate a chocolate chip cookie! i felt great and had tons of energy the next day. from there my the suit maker called and said my suit was not ready for pick-up. She did this four times this week and when i finally got my suit....not good... lets just say i'm 3 days from leaving to Vegas and i still don't have a suit to wear. My choreographer canceled our finally appointment to clean and fix my routine. i met with some wonderful locally trainers and did get to practice posing and my routine with them, but they said my routine was to short and though they have been a blessing, helping me with advice on my posing i left feeling skinny, squishy and hopeless. not sure if i mentioned my training coach left me at about week 4. (thats a story not to share here, i respect him and don't want to bash.) so last night i was told to keep eating and feeling like a wet noodle or should i say a piece of angle hair pasta. (noodle would be way bigger) i imedately throw a sweet potatoe in the microwave and ate it in a matter of seconds, next came the brown rice cakes...6 or maybe even 8 of them, i lost count. opening and closing every food storage unit over and over again i finally found 2 very old protein bars...ate them and way in the back of my freezer...Andes' Candies! SCORE!! ate about 8-10 of those." whoa nelly, what the heck was happening? what am i doing?!" finally i came to my senses, i was full i looked like i had a basketball in my gut!

what now....

woke up even more confused. do more cardio? cut carbs? ... i decided just to keep moving forward, 5am cardio, eggwhites, 2 brown rice cakes (which i didn't want after overdosing on them last night) and then spin class... during cardio i messaged my posing coach who i see on wednesday, he hasn't seen me in almost 4 weeks and was in another state competing himself. i hated to bother him but was desperate.

after cardio i was walking through the gym and the head guy, chairman, promoter for all our competitions here in Colorado stop and said..."Doneker you look great!" "You are ready, don't do to much more." HAPPY DANCE!! i didn't ruin my hard work! yea!! not long after that i get a return message with some specific instructions on what to do for the next 3 days! and some encouraging words. " don't worry i see you wednesday and will make sure you are right where you need to be when you step on stage." so my head is back on and i feel good again.

back to business tomorrow, i thought i was going to stop cardio but nope 3 more days. so nothing is changing and that feels comfortable.

By now you all know how much i love baking. and recently i have been noticing how all these heavenly treats are being served. I now have an obsession with cake stands, and different ways to serve baked goods. It makes ordinary cookies seem so much more, its all about the presentation! and i'll take that to the stage next saturday and maybe i'll have the right presentation! in the end i'm SOOO ready to move forward with my life. Start baking again, antique hunting for cool cake stands and being social with people who mean so much to me and have missed these last 11 weeks!

maybe when this is done i'll start blogging about my adventures in the kitchen....

high five to the last 6 days!!

week 10- good one!

weight

5/8- 124.8

5/15- 120.2

5/22- 120.2

5/29- 121

6/5- 116.8

6/12- 117

6/19- 117.6

6/26- 115

7/3- 113

7/10- 112

7/17- 110.8

i'll write when i gots some time but right now a girl has got to get to bed!

ended the week with a fabulous photo shoot and if this all ended today i would feel happy and satisfied!

muah!

week 9- 20 DAYS!

weight

5/8- 124.8

5/15- 120.2

5/22- 120.2

5/29- 121

6/5- 116.8

6/12- 117

6/19- 117.6

6/26- 115

7/3- 113

7/10- 112

Thats what i keep telling myself "20 days" I"m getting real tired and about thursday i started getting hungry, i lick my plate and scoff every scrap of food i can find. i feel strong in the mornings and get some killer cardio in even thinking " i got this and even after the show i will continue with the program" by 2 in the afternoon reality hits and i and having a super duper hard time getting through my second session of cardio. i just keep saying "20 more days" just get on the step mill and move your feet. A big hurdle was tossed in front of me on tuesday, the gym i work at informed me i can no longer get my workout in during my shift. SO now i have to stay late... i'm talking 9pm-ish to get it in, i'm a walking zombie at this point (my first work out is at 4am) and my workouts have suffered. i feel a little betrade by my gym. they know i have a contest to comepete in , 3 weeks, why can't they give me 3 weeks to reach my gaol? Not to mention the members LOVE to watch me work out. They always tell me how i inspire them, how amazed they are at my hard work. Well i was really, really upset about this for a few days but, what can i do? its only "20 days" i give what i can and beyond that its out of my hands. As i head into week 10 i'm starting to get the "you are tiny" comments. its normal by the end of the week people will be telling me to go eat...i have to get that lean to create the "look" for stage. I still need my waist to come in a little and tighter in the legs.

the colorado state champions is this week end and i have a photo shoot set for sunday so i just got to get through the first of the week and hopefully the shoot and watching others compete will carry me through the last 10 days. some people think i'm on the down slide and it should be getting easier, well i will tell you it doesn't get easier as you go but harder. the body gets run down, hungry/cravings really start to take over and being so close your mind says " oh heck your close just give in a little" i will be digging deep this week! If anyone wants to join me for cardio it helps! even if you just stand there and talk to me! (thanks alyse!)

SO on to the pictures these are cake pops, on monday the girls at Fedex (my morning job for those who dont know, i work to much!)anyways the girls were talking about these "cake pops" i google them and now its has become my new craving.I think this has to do with how easy they are to make. i usually cook a lot during contest prep but haven't trusted myself this time not to eat what i bake so i've held off on my hobby of baking. These cake pops seems so easy to make i just can't wait to try them out!

i'm also starting to worry about the after effects of being on a such a strict eating program for soo long. Yes i have to put some weight back on, its just not healthy to live like this, my body and brain will shut down, as amazing as it is to see my body get tight and muscular, i do have to return to the normal healthy weight. Thats a huge mental game. One of the reasons i got out of the sport. ill get more into that in a later post for now i have to go cook my cod and head to the gym for another cardio session.

have a great week people and when you don't feel like exercising or eating healthy this week think of me..."what would Doneker do?" right Nina!! :)

hey, 20 MORE DAYS!!

week 8 - cruise control

well i don't have much to report this week. I had a good week feeling strong and seeing improvements. I'm in a good routine with both my work outs and my food intake. I'll cruise through this week and then start to dial in the fine details next week. I'll most likely drop another 3 pounds. I'm trying to figure out what food i need to bring to Vegas with me and how i'm going to get it there...check a cooler full of egg whites???

i guess a mellow week is good right now!

weight

5/8- 124.8

5/15- 120.2

5/22- 120.2

5/29- 121

6/5- 116.8

6/12- 117

6/19- 117.6

6/26- 115

7/3- 113

week 7 (s'mores and whoopie pies!)

weight

5/8- 124.8

5/15- 120.2

5/22- 120.2

5/29- 121

6/5- 116.8

6/12- 117

6/19- 117.6

6/26- 115

first i want to say thanks for reaching out to me this last week. I felt so much love and support from you guys! HUGS! to you all.

Second please don't ever feel bad for me when i have a bad day(s) or week. Its all part of it and i'm just trying to be honest so you can understand what this process is about. If you scroll down you can see my progress pictures and know I'm doing quite well.

this week i changed my food around, didn't really mess with the intake itself just moved it around so i could have some carbs in the morning before doing my 4am cardio. This seem to help, a lot, i felt good and got in some strong work outs which i believe led to the weight drop i had this week. I didn't feel like an angry bear and had a clear head all week, well almost a clear head. I had an incredibly hard time trying to figure out how to cash a check and deposit some money in the bank, i left my dogs outside all morning, which is really bad because i live in an apartment complex! the front porch gate was closed thank goodness but the thought of leaving my front door open is still kind of scary!!

I couldn't stop thinking about s'mores and whoopie pies! Whoopie pies are NOT moon pies but, a Maine tradition and my mom made the best! (google to learn the difference)In fact all week all my conversations evolved around food, I seem to notice all the food billboards around town and every commercial on TV was a food commercial! Going to the grocery store has to be the biggest test i face every week. Whole Foods is just bad! Its not the "junk" food that is tempting but the grapes, melons, bananas, peanut butter.... stuff i just can't eat right now.

I bought 9 cook books this week.... i don't know about this one guys, i just read them... so if anyone has a few cookbooks laying around, pass them my way! It would save me some Money!! ha,ha! i'm treating myself to a sweet potato with my fish tonight instead of the oatmeal! I thought that would be a fantastic way to end a good week!

week 8 here I come!

progress pictures

WEEK 6 (nearly quit!)

weight

5/8- 124.8

5/15- 120.2

5/22- 120.2

5/29- 121

6/5- 116.8

6/12- 117

6/19- 117.6

oh man it was a rough one! i cried almost everyday, and said i'm sorry for being such a grump to many! Tuesday is by far the hardest day for me to get through mostly because of working sooo much and my short day (thursday) seems so far away!

This thursday i sat in my car cried after my coach saw me in my bikini and proceeded to double my cardio sessions. I then did something i have never done before during contest prep... i went off the plan, i had some justin's maple almond butter and a peice of dark chocolate! boy was that delicious! i didn't feel guilty and enjoyed every bite! i got right back on track and felt good. I want to say thanks to all the people i don't know who have stared at me, (and my arms) who have made comments on how wonderful i look and how they wish they could look like me! Yup its these comments that keep me going, keep me believing that changes are happening. The scale doesn't tell the story!

this Journey has made me dig deep and take a look at my life and where i want to be in the future, and i will let you in on this. i want to be near my family in the near future. When i started this i never had any intentions of winning the contest but i wanted a goal.

"without goals you have no direction; without direction there is no incentive for action; without action there is no progress..."

think about that, progress i am making and it might not show on the outside but the progress on my heart and soul has me excited!

like my girl whitney said... i 'm so close but still far away. i head into this week with my eyes on the future.

I'm sorry for being grumpy, its not you its me! and you might want to stay away from me on tuesdays!

"shoulders down, chest up, abs tight!"

WEEK 5

weight

5/8- 124.8

5/15- 120.2

5/22- 120.2

5/29- 121

6/5- 116.8

6/12- 117

Hitting the half way point. Normally most people feel great a this point saying things like " i'm going to maintain at this weight when the show is over" and very rarely can someone do this. for me heading into week 6 i feel a little behind. didn't help that while working with my posing coach he says something to the effect, "well we will have to get rid of the fat to see your abs" ...

it was a crazy week, i saw my trainer, my choreographer, my posing coach, and the suit making lady! but its all the little meetings that keep each day exciting and keep me on track. and for those of you who wonder why i work so much, well here ya go!

I'm sure my training plan (cardio and nutrition) will get an over haul on thursday. part of me says bring it, yet often i get worried it will be to much.

About friday i started missing the social part of life. Lunch with friends, a guinness and a Red Sox game. (they are killing it right now! :) ), a late night movie... can't stay out late when i have to get up at 3am. i have also started thinking about food a little more. but i think seeing the cupcake truck post its location everyday on Face Book is to blame for that!

i think the bottom line for this contest being a little more challenging then normal for me is the lack of sleep.

i can't fix that right so i will continue to push forward.looking forward to my half way point photo's next sunday. Gosh i hope there is some change!

Keep flex'n my friends!

WEEK 4

weight

5/8- 124.8

5/15- 120.2

5/22- 120.2

5/29- 121

6/5- 116.8

All is well....NOW! lets start with last friday my fridge broke but i didn't really notice until monday. then i started have severe stomach aches, bring you to your knees stomach aches! i was rolling around on the floor in pain at my coach's gym and he says "get up and finish these exercises..." i laughed but did it. he proceeds to ask my about the pains in my gut and then says "no more gum!" i'm thinking,Whoa...thats all i got...but do as i'm told and give him ALL my gum. 8 packs i place on his desk, he just shakes his head.Well what do you know the scale starts dropping the next day and no more stomach pains. I let out a huge sigh of relief as i'm sure you all did when you saw my weight today.

I also met with my favorite choreographer to put together my routine. Its sweet!

Tomorrow i go see the best bikini maker in the country, Christine Marsh, to pick out the material for my new suit. Its going to be purple!

My meals are all tasting real good except for the piece of cod i have to eat every night. This week i got to have 5 strawberries instead of the apple in the afternoon, they tasted soo good. I think the more you go without crap food in your daily intake the better the good food taste. So once again the week started off, not so good, and its ending on a high! never quit, dig deep and plow through...like my bulldog does the snow! and yes people are starting to stare at me, which means..."its happening" :)

oh the picture is the book i read when i go to bed at night. i'm serious! i always read cook books when training for a show.

sweet dreams!

WEEK 3

weight

5/8- 124.8

5/15- 120.2

5/22- 120.2

5/29- 121

well week 3 is in the books! i feel good but boy, oh boy, i was GRUMPY on saturday morning! It started out by me reading a post on Facebook that someone was taking their children to 2 movies and then to out to dinner. For some reason this really bothers me, "its a beautiful day get those kids outside and active", i wanted to yell! Why would you bother telling people you are going to sit for 5 or so hours then go eat.... what are we teaching our children!

I know you have all noticed my weight for the week, coach says he is not worried so i will not worry either. I know i look different because people are staring at me and the highlight of the week, i was training with my friend Katie and i whipped out a front double bicep and her eyes lit up and her jaw dropped to floor. "That looks amazing" "do it again" tehe! thats all it takes to keep me pushing forward. i am now up to hour of cardio everyday. I DO love every meal, OK cod every night is not the best but i'm doing ok with it. my newest favorite meal is pictured here. egg whites, with sugar free blueberry jam spread on the top and folded in half. I decided to ditch the apple that day and go big... raspberries!! sshhhh don't tell on me!

OH! how could i forget... i booked my trip to the big show, Las Vegas here i come. it feels good to have that all taken care and as of right now i'm going alone... shout if you want to come, i might need some baby sitting saturday night after i get off the stage. Even better i'll probably be a cheap date! HA!

this is really my fridge, the pile of white stuff on the upper shelf, right side, is my cod.

I have taken to lots of coffee this week it just taste sooo good right now and sometimes its decaf! also at any given time i can be found with 5 to 8 pieces of gum in my mouth and up to 20 packs in my car! The gum is a given i think for most competitors, I'll get tired of chewing a big wad in a few weeks and that will be the end of that!

Anyone ever hear of "Walden Farms" products...i'll be investigating and giving a full report. If you already use these products or know about them what do you think? Ranch dressing with no calories, sugar, carbs... hmmmmm?

Ok time to take my cod out of the oven, cook some broccoli and oatmeal. Have a great week everyone!

WEEK 2

weight

5/8- 124.8

5/15- 120.2

5/22- 120.2

ok so as you can see, no weight change... its ok! i know if i stick to the plan it will happen.

-gonna make this quick 'cause i got to get to bed so i can get up and do cardio at 4am. yep, got to get it done. no excuses people! Monday my weight was down to 118 and i was excited, thinking it was going happen easy....WRONG! Tuesday i felt horrible and my weight started climbing back up (122 on thursday), i was so tired and grumpy buti didn't cave, i stuck strong, ate some steak and carried on. by friday i was feeling great! "I'm the boss" tehe! thats what i tell my dogs...as i write this i have 12 eggs boiling, rice in the rice cooker, fish in the oven, protein pancakes cooking. i heard a lot people tell me 2 weeks ago, "i want to diet with you" and now...not so easy right. the key is to plan and prep. i got in some great work outs this past week and i am sore everywhere... i love that. I'm increasing my cardio this week from 3 days to 5. plus i teach 2 spin classes a week. heading in to Monday feeling good. hope everyone has a great week! remember; PLAN AND PREP!

WEEK 1

weight

5/8- 124.8

5/15- 120.2

Well my house stinks!! i'm a little nervous to have anyone over to visit, the aroma of broccoli, eggs and fish... lets just say its not good! the highlight of the week was when my coach told me i could eat 2 whole eggs before i go to bed instead of a protein shake! "really?! 2 scrambled eggs or hard boiled?" "yolks?" "really?" i think i told everyone that day i got to eat whole eggs! of course they just looked at me. i have a feeling those whole eggs will be reduced to egg whites. i have to put on my bikini next week for my coach. When coach says i need to see you in your bikini it most likely means he is cutting some food or upping my cardio or both.

heard a funny thing this week at the gym..."oh she is one of those people that doesn't eat" talking about me of course. WOW! i thought i'm so full from eating i feel like a bowling ball!

THE 12 WEEKS

"12 weeks" a few people know what this means, and probably even fewer have been through them. Those of us who skip happily down this path have at least one thing on common, we are crazy! HA! I usually don't share much about my journey but this time i'm going to let everyone peek in on my 12 weeks to the competitive stage of Womens Physique.

Day 1 is tomorrow.

Today i cleaned out my cupboards and fridge, even though i feel strong enough (now) to resist any temptation i know i will have weak moments and open the cupboards and fridge over and over looking for something sweet to eat. I also had my picture taken in a bikini which i might share eventually but i'll have to work on some courage for that one! I went out to dinner and ate... and ate... and ate.

I'm ready, I'm ready for this trip...are you?