bringing me back!

Many people have told me they miss my writing so i will get better at keeping it up to date!

It all stops today!

i was thinking during my work out today how hard it must be for people to have faith in reaching their fitness goals. I even feel doubt these days and if i didn't have my past success to feed upon i might even quit. (i feel you guys, really!)

I'm just back from vacation, i went to Maine to see my mom and let me tell you she can cook! she made all my meals and i didn't have to plan, prep or think the slightest bit about what to eat. that was a nice break. (thanks mom!)

stuff shells, blueberry pie, brownies, pizza, lobster, (which isn't bad until you soak it in butter!) ha! I did eat lots of fresh veggies and organic meats. it was all wonderful and i don't regret anything but i can tell you this, as good as all that food tasted and didn't come close to the satisfaction i feel when i'm in tip-top shape. it doesn't feel as good as someone coming up to me and saying" you inspire me". So today i choose to bring me back!

I choose to eat healthy.

I choose to work out in the gym.

I choose to do my cardio at 4am

I choose to run at least 3 times a week.

I choose to be as inspiring to others as i can!

thats what it is... a choice!

i leave you with this, i found this on utube and it really Hit hard!

this is how what i truly believe...

I BELIEVE IT STARTS ONE STEP AT A TIME AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE MY DREAMS WILL TAKE ME.

I BELIEVE THE WORLD IS MY TREADMILL.

I BELIEVE MY BIGGEST INSPIRATION IS THE PERSON IN FRONT OF ME.

I BELIEVE IN SOLITUDE AND COMMUNITY.

I BELIEVE NO DECISION SHOULD EVER BE MADE WHILE RUNNING UP HILL.

I BELIEVE THAT WHEN I THINK ITS OVER, I CAN ALWAYS DIG A LITTLE DEEPER.

I BELIEVE IN REDEFINING MY IMPOSSIBLE

I BELIEVE IN MYSELF!

make it a great week!

Embarrassed!

complete failure... i told you i would be completely honest in my blog... the scale read 126.2 this morning. Yep! I'm embarrassed to share that but it is also the truth about competing and the part no one talks about. i hope anyone who thinks extreme dieting is the way to the "skinny you" reads this. I can't explain why the body does this but it is so mentally painful to go from displaying an awesome physique to 14 days later weighing more then when the diet started. People don't think i can relate to their weight issues, yo-yo dieting and loss of control when it comes to food, well i can!

I have been competing for many years and have gone through this "after effects" many times but it never gets any less embarrassing. I know my body will eventually normalize out and i'll drop about 8lbs. but not many others know this so i get comments like "you bulking up already!" or "you are really enjoying your off season." i feel like an ass.

my systems were clogged up 'till about wednesday. what i mean by that is nothing was digesting, my stomach was stretch out and hard as a rock, and it just hurt to eat. Now i haven't been eating THAT bad just trying to be normal. (lots of fruit, bowls and bowls of fruit and pasta) i was extremely sluggish, and tired. then on wednesday "swollen gut syndrome" (my name for it) was gone and i had lots of energy. Things get dangerous now, food starts to taste yummy, and you are hungry... all the time! Think of a clogged sink, the water just kind of sits in the sink maybe slowly draining leaving scum stuck to the sides. then you unclogged the sink and water just flows down the drain, usually faster then before the clog... does that make sense? alright moving on! ha!

i did do an hour cardio on monday, ran 2.5 miles on wednesday, taught spin on friday, and 1 hour of cardio this morning followed by teaching a spin class. Not like i sat around all week!

i had major cramps through out my entire body this week, hands, chest, legs, feet and i could not sleep through the night with out waking up screaming in pain. Thank goodness i live alone!

i swore up and down i was going to eat "clean" all week, but i could not resist the temptations that were in front of me. so now i'm totally beaten! fat and mentally weak....

DON'T worry my friends a new week is upon us and i will keep trying to get a grip. i will try to find that balance of healthy eating but not dieting and i'm exciting to try some new "clean" foods. I bought apple butter today, its just apples smooshed and put in a jar! tee hee but i hope to replace my sugar free jelly on my rice cakes with this apple butter so i can eat more of a "real" food. i also found a zero calorie raspberry sparkling green tea. that might help with cravings.

my egg whites are cooked for tomorrow as well as my protein pancake and now i'm on my way to put some fish in the oven. I know this week will be better!

RECAP - I CAN DO ANYTHING!

Well I'm kind of at a lost for words, what do you want to know?.... Most people ask "where did you place?" which for you guys who have followed me the last 12 weeks understand when i say "i finished!" others just stare at me...LOL! then i try to explain, its like running a marathon, it doesn't matter where i finished but the point being, I DID IT! i actually felt like i won after my photo shoot and i looked at the pictures and saw my body and how it changed, pictures are always a great way to REALLY see yourself. (good and bad)

I did not place well. nearly last i think. I'm truly and honestly content with that, because i like my body. yes, i could do things to change it and please the judges but for me its not about them, its about me and right now i feel like i can do anything... and i can do it all by myself!

I still think you have to be at least a little bit crazy to compete in such an event but i also think marathon runners are a little bit crazy too!

I have eaten all the "junk" i can handle and now will take on a bigger challenge, how to live normal but healthy life, one i think you can all relate too... finding a balance between health and enjoying life. I have made a plan and it starts tomorrow, not sure i can hold myself to it but if i can... then i just might run a marathon! i will continue to blog my weekly success's and failure's and hope you all continue to follow along because i have a feeling things are going to get exciting!

Week 12- I did it!

night before i leave!

ok just a quick check in

i was 110.4 lbs this morning.

my posing coach said i was ready and he was impressed.

cravings were bad today.

here's a picture of the "trash" i bought to bring to the hotel and eat After the show. I couldn't decided on any special but know i'll want something. the thing is that not matter what i eat it won't live up to the expectation or satisfy, so i never eat my favorite things right away. Gosh just thinking about how bad these little treats are for you...might not eat anything but the cliff bars.

got my suit fixed, it looks really good and somehow crawled over another hill. (thanks Laura Richards)

still things to do and it getting late....

week 11- even my shoes are to big!

weight

5/8- 124.8

5/15- 120.2

5/22- 120.2

5/29- 121

6/5- 116.8

6/12- 117

6/19- 117.6

6/26- 115

7/3- 113

7/10- 112

7/17- 110.8

7/24- 114

even my shoes are too big! that being said...I almost lost it last night after a nightmare of a week. If there would have been anything in my cupboards, freezer, fridge i would have eaten it, anything. well i did eat whatever i could find!

The week started out fantastic, i felt wonderful after my photo shoot. i knew my weight was to low last weekend and planned a cheat meal after my photo shoot. i went to Noodles and Company and got some Mac and Cheese with extra cheese sauce, chicken, tomatoes and mushrooms. A huge rice crispy treat for dessert! Yup! its true! AND while i was waiting for my food i ate a chocolate chip cookie! i felt great and had tons of energy the next day. from there my the suit maker called and said my suit was not ready for pick-up. She did this four times this week and when i finally got my suit....not good... lets just say i'm 3 days from leaving to Vegas and i still don't have a suit to wear. My choreographer canceled our finally appointment to clean and fix my routine. i met with some wonderful locally trainers and did get to practice posing and my routine with them, but they said my routine was to short and though they have been a blessing, helping me with advice on my posing i left feeling skinny, squishy and hopeless. not sure if i mentioned my training coach left me at about week 4. (thats a story not to share here, i respect him and don't want to bash.) so last night i was told to keep eating and feeling like a wet noodle or should i say a piece of angle hair pasta. (noodle would be way bigger) i imedately throw a sweet potatoe in the microwave and ate it in a matter of seconds, next came the brown rice cakes...6 or maybe even 8 of them, i lost count. opening and closing every food storage unit over and over again i finally found 2 very old protein bars...ate them and way in the back of my freezer...Andes' Candies! SCORE!! ate about 8-10 of those." whoa nelly, what the heck was happening? what am i doing?!" finally i came to my senses, i was full i looked like i had a basketball in my gut!

what now....

woke up even more confused. do more cardio? cut carbs? ... i decided just to keep moving forward, 5am cardio, eggwhites, 2 brown rice cakes (which i didn't want after overdosing on them last night) and then spin class... during cardio i messaged my posing coach who i see on wednesday, he hasn't seen me in almost 4 weeks and was in another state competing himself. i hated to bother him but was desperate.

after cardio i was walking through the gym and the head guy, chairman, promoter for all our competitions here in Colorado stop and said..."Doneker you look great!" "You are ready, don't do to much more." HAPPY DANCE!! i didn't ruin my hard work! yea!! not long after that i get a return message with some specific instructions on what to do for the next 3 days! and some encouraging words. " don't worry i see you wednesday and will make sure you are right where you need to be when you step on stage." so my head is back on and i feel good again.

back to business tomorrow, i thought i was going to stop cardio but nope 3 more days. so nothing is changing and that feels comfortable.

By now you all know how much i love baking. and recently i have been noticing how all these heavenly treats are being served. I now have an obsession with cake stands, and different ways to serve baked goods. It makes ordinary cookies seem so much more, its all about the presentation! and i'll take that to the stage next saturday and maybe i'll have the right presentation! in the end i'm SOOO ready to move forward with my life. Start baking again, antique hunting for cool cake stands and being social with people who mean so much to me and have missed these last 11 weeks!

maybe when this is done i'll start blogging about my adventures in the kitchen....

high five to the last 6 days!!

week 10- good one!

weight

5/8- 124.8

5/15- 120.2

5/22- 120.2

5/29- 121

6/5- 116.8

6/12- 117

6/19- 117.6

6/26- 115

7/3- 113

7/10- 112

7/17- 110.8

i'll write when i gots some time but right now a girl has got to get to bed!

ended the week with a fabulous photo shoot and if this all ended today i would feel happy and satisfied!

muah!