Sometimes i feel like getting into competing in fitness and figure has been one of the worst things i have ever done. I wonder when the day will come when its ok (with me) to live , look and eat like everyone else. I feel like i have caused people to have huge expectations of me, they always want to see how i look and what i eat. I, myself, am annoyingly aware of how i look and what i eat and yes i do feel guilty when i don't make the best choices or put on a few pounds, but to have people say "i can't wait to see what YOU order" when out to eat is a stab in my heart. I love that i can inspire others to be healthier but, the people pleaser in me is scared that i will disappoint the ones i inspire if i don't look and eat a certain way. When asked what do you EAT?!, how shocked they are when i tell them i'm no different then anyone else. I, probably more then most try to live a balanced life. Competing is so off to one end that when i'm not getting ready to get on stage i try to live every day as balanced as possible and enjoy the family bar-b-q's , birthdays, nights out with friends, baseball games.... i still workout nearly everyday but really hate myself on the days i don't feel like getting out of bed! Some might look at this like "thats good you need to stay active and fit and healthy. i wish i could make myself go workout" but to live with the feeling of disappointing the people around you and yourself can't be good right? I live to inspire others and teach them balance in life but wonder if in the end this will be what kills my spirit...the feeling other letting the ones i want to inspire down because i'm not a super hero. You may laugh at that last comment but its true, someone once said to me..." i forget you are human"
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